.sig!

[tzikeh]

I love quotes. Always have. Pithy sayings, bon mots, catchy slogans - I'm your girl. So, now that ari_ has posted her .sig file, I thought I'd share mine. Hey, ari - you started a meme!

This is in no way complete, because I have no idea where all my .sig files are from over the years.

I used to drive down the long highways, throwing tomatoes out the window yelling, 'Hooray for the spicy chipmunk!'

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. -- Logan Pearsall Smith

Option Paralysis: The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none. -- Douglas Coupland

No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.

If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is probably just a tool of the conspiracy.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80-pound carrot.

I can bend minds with my spoon.

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. - G.K. Chesterton

God Made Us Brothers, But Prozac Made Us Friends.

Gays are right. Straights are right. Even Reaganomics may be right, God help us! Andrew Lloyd Webber is wrong, however. -- Chris Lampton

"Maybe I shouldn't always be the do-er," Casey said anxiously.
"You think giving a blow job means you're the do-er?"
"Um. Yes."
"You're wrong."

Guns don't kill people. . .oh, wait, yes they do.

My Givashit level is down to two Nanofuckits.

I'm vaguely liberal but mostly I just go to work and watch a lot of TV. -- merryish, on her political views

His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans -- and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink." -- Terry Pratchett, Small Gods

Are you thinking that caffeine is odorless? Ask a dog. Be warned, however, that the dogs here speak only Portuguese.

Practice random acts of Hamlet and Othello.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, woo-hoo!, I'd have all my money back.

Everything I needed to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment.

Withdrawing in disgust is not the same as apathy.

If I had a dollar for every fanfic I've read in which one kissed the other, the kissee responded with stunned surprise, and the kisser interpreted this as rejection and ran out of the room, I would have more then enough $$ to buy a less cliched phrase than "if I had a dollar." -- yahtzee63

For every prohibition you create, you also create an underground. -- Jello Biafra

"Why would you give up your criminal empire for this?"
"Because ... I hate you." - Fantasy Island

Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide them.

At first, they came for the fuckin' morons, and I said nothing because I *wasn't a fuckin' moron*!

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one . George Bernard Shaw

A dork, Qui-Gon was. Two hands had he, a map had he, but find his own ass he could not.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. - Voltaire

I outgrew the need to physically hurt people who disagreed with me some time around third grade. If God hasn't managed to do that in, what, how many bazillion years, then fuck him too.

I had a friend ask me to help him move once, and I got there and he had not PACKED. So I had to pack his stuff for him. Got my revenge by mislabeling boxes. Labels said stuff like "Proof of Extraterrestrial Life" or "My Dinner With Andre action figures." -- yahtzee63

The Sports Night seduction progresses thusly: Once you're smitten with Sorkin-speak you indulge in fanatical viewing, taping and reviewing of every "SN" episode. Then you come down with a severe case of the quotes.-- Kinney Littlefield

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. --Stephen F Roberts

Somewhere, somehow, there *is* a dumpster waiting for her.

Part of [his] problem is that the old "write what you know" advice doesn't work when, as in his case, the author doesn't know anything whatsoever. Including the English language. -- Kay

"Hello, I'm Mr. Tumnus! Welcome to Narnia!"
"Give me back my sock, you goat bastard." -- The Family Guy

"'Sam, I'm glad you're with me' with homosexual overtones is not a climatic ending for a three-hour movie!"  -  esorlehcar's friend Joe

I'm not a spoiler-whore; I'm a foreknowledged pleasure provider.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals - He just thinks they need more supervision.

I hail from the East Coast, where people are open-minded but mean. Now I live in the Midwest, where people are closed-minded but friendly.

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones. - John Cage

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. - Albert Camus

Yet, much as with Schindler's List, perhaps everyone should be forced to watch it once, just so that nothing this abominable ever happens again. - teevee's review of The Star Wars Holiday Special

First they sing a song about a train,
then they sing a song about a train,
then they sing a song about a train,
folksingers are boring.

Education...has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading. -- George Macaulay Trevelyan

I revel in the fact that I am much more ignorant than ordinary people, who are ignorant solely of ordinary things.

Because God is busy, mommy is powerless, and nothing says 'oops' like a giant wall of flame. - Marion Winik on NPR

Style - it's a kaleidoscope in a funhouse, and you're always lost and wrong.

The Opposition: Breakfast of Champions

In my life I have prayed but one prayer, "Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God GRANTED it!

Discover your inner child... it's probably freaked out, needs to go pee or wants to know if you're there yet.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R. Young

Note to the beginning slash writer: upon finishing your story, search for each appearance of the word "suddenly" and evaluate if it adds anything to the story. [Hint: It doesn't. Delete it.]

As far as the healing power of crystals goes, let me just say that I grew up eating under a crystal chandelier every night, and look what came of *that*: two cancers, a busted marriage, and an autistic brother. There, the healing power of crystals. Enjoy. -- Marjorie Gross

So what is wrong with me? Usually I enjoy the public humiliation of people who irritate me. - Tina

I fear that in many cases, we need to label people insane because we can't handle the notion that they are perfectly normal -- save for a few horribly antisocial tendencies. -- Rob Keenan, discussing serial killers.

Sign behind counter at video rental store: We are sorry to report that we are ALL out of 'That Movie With That Guy Who Was in That Other Movie'. There was some confusion when ordering from our distributor.-Thank You

While we're gone, if any talking animals tell you to buy any tacos or beer, for God's sake do what they say. - Casey McCall, Sports Night

3. Stop confusing yourself with your car. You are not a nice person because you have a nice car. You are not a big person because you have a big car. You are not a shiny person because you have a shiny car.
4. The same thing goes for your clothes.
5. And anything else you own.

I'd rather call up evil that I can't contain than debt that I can't contain. Evil would at least be interesting; debt just makes me poor.

It offends me, on a certain level. By all rights, people should be running through the streets with torches, screaming his name and ripping their garments. He should not have to be on game shows. - yahtzee63, upon hearing that James Marsters was on Hollywood Squares.

Paranoia means having all the facts. --- William Burroughs

THE TICK: Fox brings the beloved cult comic book "The Tick" to life in a brilliantly-executed sitcom, then schedules it opposite "Survivor: Africa." Next week: Fox creates a delicate, jeweled statue fashioned of hand-wrought platinum and ivory, then sinks it in Canada's icy Beaufort Sea.

I hate it when idiots try to argue for my cause. -- movies_michelle

"Multiple exclamation marks," he went on, shaking his head, "are a sure sign of a diseased mind." - Terry Pratchett, Eric

I want to know when Roger Rabbit fucked Aunt Jemima! - Usenet user on Jar Jar Binks.

It's not a party until someone tries to have sex with the watermelon. -- whatssnoo

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. -- Mel Brooks

So, does anyone know where I can get focus and discipline, cheap? - elynross

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley

Fandom is like jazz: the show is the baseline, and we just riff on it 'til it sounds good.

I hate it when real perverts pervert my perversions. - elynross

The truth doesn't alter with our ability to stomach it. -- Flannery O'Connor

5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. - Wilson Mizner

A jew, a gay, a Mexican, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

Philosophy: A science that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.

On the internet, no one knows you're your own Evil Twin. -- Terri

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I think he's from the C.I.A.

Fandom is the world's most sophisticated and advanced system for just hanging around.

He peered out the peephole on his apartment door to see if it was safe to leave, but for some reason, Obi-Wan seemed to be loitering in the hallway juggling kumquats.
Right, that called for plan two.

The Republic's "Ambassadors" are two fanatical, heavily-armed religious nuts with elite commando training and the ability to invade your mind and manipulate your thoughts. They say they are here to negotiate. -- Ben Krauskopf on why the Trade Federation was not at fault.

There are these two guys, and one of them is Big and Strong and Repressed, and the other one is Sweet and Liberal and Cries. A Lot. Yay, fandom! - merryish

I think, if I'd just jumped off a cliff, there'd be no such thing as "too quickly" to start flying.

Once again we are presented with an example of a story that can be defined as fanfiction only because the author is a fan, and the story is fiction. -- Anne

I had to approve and disapprove her parts. . . the doll is taller than I am -- proportionally taller. The other thing that's weird is that probably at some little girl's house I'm dating Ken. -- Gillian Anderson on the Scully Action Figure

The pointy end goes into the other man. -- The Mask of Zorro

I just want people to stay slashily away from real people for the purposes of not appalling me. -- elynross

where do we go from here?
humanity is being ravaged by a disease
doctors are powerless against it
pollution is everywhere
men and women die daily in senseless ethnic conflicts
homelessness is rampant
people can't read
children are being killed in the streets
THE YEAR IS 1350 - IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE RENAISSANCE - THEY MADE IT - SO WILL WE

It amazes me how many clueless people there are. Do you suppose we hoard them? The clues, I mean? -- elynross

Cats are poetry in motion. Dogs are gibberish in high gear.

Coed Naked Quidditch!

Fandom--the world's largest ADD support group.

LL YR VWL R BLNG T S

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the rat to die.

I'm just wearing black until I find something darker.

Fandom means never having to say, "But where would I wear that?"

For that is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange eons, even death may die....or come downstairs bump-bump-bump on the back of his head behind Christopher Robin Whately --The Shunned House at Poohthulhu Corner
The other super-heroes were getting tired of Flatulence Man always blaming his mysterious side-kick Captain Invisible.

All knowledge is of itself of some value. There is nothing so minute or inconsiderable, that I would not rather know it than not. -- Samuel Johnson

Politeness; n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Veni, Vidi, Vidded: I showed up, I watched TV, I made something of it.

Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity . -- Eric Hoffer

Folk music is not a "style" at all. It has no fixed canon of instrumentation, presentation, or subject matter. If it did, then Folk Music would still just be white people in matching sweaters singing about socialism. -- Peter Spencer

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh. -- W.H. Auden

(T)here are two kinds of authors on-line: those who want to write, (and) those who want to post.-- Anne

He shot his washing machine? That would void the warranty.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. -- John Stuart Mill

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -Anatole France

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think, and a docudrama with ugly actors for those who film docudramas.

It is often stated that of all the theories proposed in this century, the silliest is quantum theory. The only thing that quantum theory has going for it, in fact, is that it is unquestionably correct. -- Michio Kaku

I ENCOURAGE FICTIONAL MEN TO FUCK ONE ANOTHER UP THE ASS -- AND I VOTE.

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

#42. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former. -- From Miss Manners' Guide to Vampirism

You have insulted my loins and the loins of my ancestors!

What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?

Open up a can of whup-ass on em. Even an off-brand can of whup-ass will silence an unruly moviegoer. For best results, shake well prior to application, and remember to store any unused whup-ass in the refrigerator.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. -- Dick Cavett

We have gone beyond "Lean and Mean" to "Anorexic and Psychotic"

A circus knife-thrower falls for his suicidal target - could this *be* any more French?

A stupid man never learns from his mistakes.
A smart man always learns from his mistakes.
A wise man learns from other peoples mistakes.
... and buys a Mac.

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.

Sally is the anti-FooFoo. - Terri

Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull. - Rod Serling

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. - George Bernard Shaw

Some people have a large circle of friends; others have only the friends that they like.

There's a ring on their finger or they're light on their feet
or there's a tombstone on their head,
every man I love is either married, gay, or dead.

Satan writes a *lot* of fanfic. -- yahtzee63

It's okay to disagree with me. However, after I point out where you're wrong, you're supposed to realize the error of your ways. Congratulating me on how smart I am is optional.

Everyone is subject to the laws of Darwinism whether or not they believe in them, agree with them, or accept them. There is no trial, no jury, no argument, and no appeal.

If homosexuality is a disease, can you call in gay?

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. -- St. Augustine

Just because you're an inept heterosexual, it doesn't automatically follow that you're queer. Homosexuality is not a consolation prize. -- Dan Savage

My wife used to sneer at my feeble charms, but one month into your fabulous Kwikspell course and I succeeded in turning her into a yak! Thank you, Kwikspell!

Editor to Dickens: 'I wish you would make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Was it the best of times or the worst of times? It could scarcely have been both.'

The movie is confected of two things notoriously homosexual: (a) sweaty, muscular men impaling each other within moments of meeting; and (b) an exquisite placement of period furniture. - Bettybowers.com on Gladiator

"No, YOU suck." - the mean people.

I think I could actually live with an episode in which Scully and Skinner find a leprechaun but decide that they just cannot tell Mulder about it. Their pride would not survive. It becomes their shared, silent vow of shame. - yahtzee63

In many languages, a double-negative is a positive. In others, a double-negative is still negative. However, there is no language in which a double-positive is a negative.
Yeah, right.

I have no muse. I have a computer and the urge to see Lindsey naked. -- yahtzee63


ETA just found some more:

There's something oddly profound about the juxtaposition of "eliade feels an anguished disconnect with the world" and "cesperanza dances like a Peanuts character" -- kassrachel

You wanna tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?

I think the term "Jumping the Shark" jumped the shark when the book Jumping the Shark came out.

I'm just going to stand over here and think about what my life was like before I met all of you people.

A mind is a terrible thing to -- Oooh! Incoming mail!

Frisky gets better scraps, now that Daddy lost his soul.

Other good sources of (mostly) fannish quotes:

The Button Lady
The Loop's Online Quotebook

Comments

[therealjae.livejournal.com]

Oh, my god. This! This!

Guns don't kill people. . .oh, wait, yes they do.

-incoherentgigglingJ

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I thought you'd like that one. ;)

[yahtzee63.livejournal.com]

I am astonished by how often I made this list.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I am astonished by how often I made this list.

Are you kidding? If I'd actually managed to note everything you've ever said to me that was quote-worthy, it'd be a whole list this long of nothing but you.

[barkley.livejournal.com]

LL YR VWL R BLNG T S

This never gets old.

[eliade.livejournal.com]

I was going to quote all my favorites and say, "Yeah, man, yeah!" But then the list got long and my life got sleepy. Still, even if "You are not a shiny person because you have a shiny car," you are a shiny magpie person because you collected all these little funny things in one big head. I mean place. One big...place.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

:) You should check out elynross's - she's got a MUY MACHO .sig file. Took two posts to get the damned thing up!

[valarltd.livejournal.com]

These are terrific.
"my dinner with Andre action figures," indeed!

And i always knew mathematicians were in league with the devil.

My quote page is here
http://www.geocities.com/valarltd/button.html

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Ooooh! More Terry Pratchett quotes!

[http://users.livejournal.com/ari_/]

if you like these things... I do have more quotes on my website. Granted, they haven't been updated in ages (much like the rest of the site - *sigh*), but maybe you'll find more stuff that entertains you.

At least there's a lot of Terry Pratchett. *g*

http://www.strangeplaces.net/quotes/index.html

[truepenny.livejournal.com]

I am a completely shameless quote-slut and will read lists of out-of-context funny things said by people I don't know for hours and hours. Thank you for posting these!

And because I'm a sad, pedantic little quote-slut geek, this:

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the rat to die.

Looks like a memorial reconstruction of this:

"Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die."--Anne Lamott

Which you may or may not have wanted to know.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the heads-up on the rat poison.

blinks

I love the conversations people have online.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

First of all -- woot! I've been .sigged! I'm famous! :-)

Secondly -- I love Fandom means never having to say, "But where would I wear that?" and might have to poach it off you in turn, because it just cracks me up. Should I attribute it to someone or something, or just let it slide?

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

No attribution necessary - I stole it from The Button Catalogue, anyway. {g}