Fun with Artificial Intelligence

[tzikeh]

For varying levels of "fun" and "intelligence."

Bought Photoshop CS4 Student Edition from academicsuperstore.com. The box says I can't install it without providing proof that I'm currently a student, and that proof needs to be a student ID with a photo and a date on it.

O-kay.

So, I go to the Adobe support site to get answers on how to do this. At first, I tried the 800 number, but after being on hold for 45 minutes, I decided to go with the "Live Chat" even though I knew, I *knew*, it would be a bot.

Boy, howdy, Adobe, you suck puréed moose balls through a Krazy Straw.


Mallikarjuna: Hello! Welcome to Adobe Customer Service.

MyRealName: hi! this is much faster than the phone.

Mallikarjuna: How are you, RealName?

MyRealName: I'm good - but that sentence already makes me wary that you're a bot.

MyRealName: *sigh*

Mallikarjuna: I understand that you wish to submit the ID proof and need my help in sending the ID proof, am I correct?

MyRealName: argh. Bot. can I have a real person? because there were two questions, and I'm going to need a real person for at least one of them.

Mallikarjuna: RealName, this is live chat and you are chatting with Mallikarjuna.

MyRealName: ...

MyRealName: Can I install the software on two computers?

Mallikarjuna: Yes, we have an option to install the products on 2 computers.

MyRealName: ok

Mallikarjuna: However make sure both the computers are not used simultaneously.

MyRealName: gotcha

MyRealName: so how do I submit an ID card through a computer? scan and email?

MyRealName: also my student ID has no date on it

Mallikarjuna: I'll help you with that.

MyRealName: how do I prove that I"m currently enrolled?

MyRealName: ok

Mallikarjuna: Please provide the order number or the serial number of the product.

MyRealName: ok - is it somewhere on the bottom of the box?

MyRealName: I haven't opened the plastic wrap on the box yet

MyRealName: or is it somewhere in an email from when I bought it?

Mallikarjuna: Not to problem.

MyRealName: ...can I have a human please?

Mallikarjuna: Here are the steps to submit the ID proof:

Mallikarjuna: 1.Scan the photo ID proof.

Mallikarjuna: 1. Log into your Adobe account by clicking the Text that reads "Your Account" which is located on the top left hand side of the Adobe home page.

Mallikarjuna: 2. From the following window click the text that reads "Customer Support Portal" in your account.

Mallikarjuna: 3. You will find 3 Tabs from the next screen which read 1. Technical Support 2. Orders & Returns 3. Serial Number.

Mallikarjuna: 4. Choose the appropriate Tab and click the button that reads "Proceed to online form".

Mallikarjuna: 5. Fill in the information from the following window and attach the file by clicking the button that reads "Browse" which is located at the bottom of the page and submit.

MyRealName: ok - here's the order # (OrderNumber) - but that's from the academicsuperstore order #

MyRealName: I don't have an adobe order #

MyRealName: and I don't see an SN on the outside of the box

Mallikarjuna: You can contact us at 800-833-6687, Option 3, 7 days a week 5am-7pm (Pacific Time) to know the status of the order or to know about the ID proof.

Mallikarjuna: You will receive the serial number once you submit the ID proof.

MyRealName: wait - you just said "Mallikarjuna: Please provide the order number or the serial number of the product." -- but I can't submit the SN until after I've submitted ID, which you know I haven't done, because that's what this chat is about. I... fine. so I have to submit a scan of the ID, which doesn't have a date on it, which you require, and then ...? You don't have all the info you need, so what happens?

MyRealName: and - what's the appropriate tab?

MyRealName: there's no tab that says "submit ID"

Mallikarjuna: Select Orders & Returns.

MyRealName: Well, *that's* not really intuitive.

Mallikarjuna: If you are unable to follow these steps email it to us at edu-verify@adobe.com.

MyRealName: I'm trying to create an Adobe Account, but there's no option for students--only careers--and this is for an EDUCATION ACCOUNT.

MyRealName: and you still haven't answered my question about my ID having no date on it.

Mallikarjuna: You should provide current student ID that includes name, date, and a photo.

MyRealName: ARRRG I SAID my student ID has NO DATE. only a name and photo, and the name of the school. so what do I do?

Mallikarjuna: If the student does not have a current student ID with this information, the student must provide a valid photo ID and corroborating evidence of current enrollment:

Mallikarjuna: 1. Official, current non-photo student ID with name and date

Mallikarjuna: 2. Official, current school transcript indicating name of school and student

MyRealName: REAL PERSON PLEASE

Mallikarjuna: 3. Official, current school tuition bill indicating name of school and student

Mallikarjuna: 4. Official, current report card indicating name of school and student

MyRealName: are these people fucking kidding me? I'm not sending Adobe an official transcript or a tuition statement!

Mallikarjuna: RealName, this is a professional chat. If you continue to speak the same way I'm forced to end the session.

MyRealName: and if you continue to be a bot, I'm posting this entire conversation to the web. The constant use of my first name is a big tell. Get me a real person. There are too many questions I've asked in this chat you haven't answered--you've only answered the ones that a well-programmed Adobe AI could recognize.

Mallikarjuna: You can provide any of the above documents;

Mallikarjuna: We are ending this chat since we have not heard from you for a long time. Please contact us back via live chat for any help.

Chat InformationThank you for chatting with us. Please click the "Close" button on the top right of the chat window to tell us how we did today.

Oh, don't worry, Adobe, I'll tell you how you did today. Phone call commencing.

Comments

[zulu]

Wow. MYREALNAME: SMASH. Bots can come off ass the smarmiest of smug assholes, can't they? With their total lack of listening and responding skills. Any luck on the phone call of grar?

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

The box says I can't install it without providing proof that I'm currently a student, and that proof needs to be a student ID with a photo and a date on it.

Well, then, everybody at my U is screwed, because our IDs don't have dates on them.

[vickita.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the "I hate Adobe with the blazing white passion of ten thousand suns" club.

[xenacryst.livejournal.com]

Yanno, that bot is barely more "intelligent" than ELIZA. On behalf of computer geeks everywhere, I'm disgusted with Adobe, and they should be ashamed of themselves for putting such dreck out in front of customers.

[ramblinsuze.livejournal.com]

Heh. When I was a teen, we used to love messing with ELIZA, entering all kinds of crap and profanity until the program finally ate itself. Good times, good times....

BTW, awesome icon. :D

[hubbit.livejournal.com]

I used to have even more fun with the emacs version of ELIZA. I'd reduce it to gibbering incoherence, then take the entire session and put it through dissociated-press for more lulz.

BUT TRY TO TELL THAT TO KIDS TODAY. :D

[xenacryst.livejournal.com]

My favorite is the "psychoanalyze-pinhead" mode. It pits the emacs doctor mode against a Zippy the Pinhead quote generator. It's ... special.

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

Want me to Photoshop you an ID with the date added on?

There's a lot of rule and laws I won't break, but when by all moral right you're a legitimate customer, my conscience wouldn't twinge at all.

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

Have you thought about sending this transcript to Consumerist.org? It's exactly the kind of thing they like to run.

[klia.livejournal.com]

WTFF??? I'm sorry, but that's outrageous. And they want you to open the plastic, only to potentially find out you're not valid in their eyes? Screw them.

I can't say I'm much of a fan of their products or corporate culture, and I really despise customer service bots, so that's a pretty impressive trifecta. Hey, I have an idea -- how about hiring more warm bodies to handle your customers the right way, and dump the stupid bot chats? Jerkoffs. Between this pathetic crap and outsourcing to extremely poor countries, I've pretty much had it with the American way of doing business.

[ramblinsuze.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah...I should have warned you about that. I had to jump through similar hoops when I got mine. I didn't have an ID at the time, but they said a screenshot from my online student account would be fine (as long as it showed that I was currently enrolled). But because UMA screwed my name up on that particular page of my account (it says HOWE REBECCA HOWE instead of SUSAN REBECCA HOWE) they refused to accept it as valid confirmation. So I had to figure out where to get IDs, haul myself into campus (which I'd never been to before because all my studies have been online), get my ID, scan it and send it off to Adobe and wait for them to get off their asses and approve it.

In conclusion...Adobe sucks. ;)