The Onion thinks rape is hilarious.

[tzikeh]

I'm not going to link to the article, because I don't want them to get any traffic on that page.

I Tell Ya, Until I've Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist
By Brett Simmons 
June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24

If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. Dragging my sorry bottom out of bed is about the hardest thing in the world, and once I do stumble downstairs, I'm already dreaming about getting back under the covers. I'm groggy, I'm cranky, and, until I get that first precious sip of piping hot coffee, I'm a total rapist.

Like I always say, "Just hand over the coffee and nobody gets sexually assaulted!"

Here's a little friendly advice: Do not try to talk to me before I've had my 16 ounces of Brain Juice. I'll just mumble something unintelligible, rape you, and probably shoot you the dirtiest look you've ever seen, to boot. I can't help it!

But all it takes is one whiff of that first pot brewing, and I swear, it's like the clouds part, the sun comes out, and I don't feel like raping quite so much. That's when I give a Hallelujah and thank God, because the coffee's on its way and I do not want to spend any more time in a federal penitentiary!

Most days, I'm not even a functioning human being without my morning mug of French roast. I'm all "leave me alone, back off, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, I haven't had my coffee yet."

Come to think of it, my dad was a pretty big coffee drinker, too. I remember waking up early with my brothers and sisters to watch Saturday cartoons until Pops, like a mean old bear, came barreling down the stairs, growling for his coffee. And when he did, boy, you'd better believe we steered clear of him.

Otherwise we'd get the raping of our lives!

The thing is, I'm actually a pretty pleasant guy once I get past those morning mopeys. Talk to me any other time of day, and you'd never guess I'm someone who, without his cup of joe, will rape you repeatedly and without warning. But what can I say? I guess I'm just addicted to my daily dose of brew and a rapist.

Lucky for me, the folks at my office are very understanding. It's quite the running joke among my coworkers, actually. "Whatever you do, don't get between Brett and his coffee, because he'll rape you if you do! He's literally raped everyone who's ever done that!"

It's true. My trusty java is the only thing that separates me from people who walk around like angry zombies and serially rape anyone within a quarter-mile radius.

You might say, "Brett, why don't you just give up coffee altogether?" I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Once. It lasted all of three hours and God knows how many rapes. In fact, I think it even made things worse! Just ask my poor assistant Lacy. And my project manager Dan. And the entire sales staff, everyone at the supermarket, several joggers, three dogs, and that UPS driver. Criminy, I almost tore that guy a new one!

But, hey, nobody's perfect. I just make sure to keep a jumbo travel mug with me at all times, carry lots of pepper spray, and never order coffee from a drive-thru for various logistical reasons. It's a tough world out there, and if you need a little extra kick to get going in the morning, so be it. I certainly won't judge. Although I will probably rape you.

Please write to:

Onion CEO Steve Hannah: shannah@theonion.com
Onion Chairman David Schafer: davidkschafer@gmail.com
Onion COO Mike McAvoy: mcavoy@theonion.com
Onion Senior VP Bill Wernecke: bwernecke@theonion.com
The Onion Editorial Staff: editorial@theonion.com

Everyone in charge of The Onion is a man. There's a big surprise. I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die of not surprise.

Comments

[aerynvala.livejournal.com]

emailed them, jackasses

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Unbelievable.

[thefannishwaldo.livejournal.com]

Okay... I don't get it. Usually in cases like this I can see where the author thought they were being funny, and well, were less so than they imagined. I can usually see where they 'accidentally' marginalized some group of people or made light of something that they didn't realize was actually painful or serious for people in their pursuit of being entertaining.

But this... I don't even get what they THOUGHT was going to be amusing.

I understand the concept of satire, and usually The Onion does it quite well, but the epic levels of FAIL here are just mind-boggling.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

[tamkosh.livejournal.com]

Actually the way I read it, with knowing The Onion is a satire website, it seems like the author uses the word "rape" so much and for such trivial things like describing himself as an unpleasant man, for the purpose of maybe show how society today throw this word around like it doesn't have an impact and it's not actually describing an horrendous crime.
Though I could be wrong since I never read that guy's column and maybe he writes about things like how much he loves coffee all the time.

I'm sorry, I know I'm just a lurker, but I like giving people the benefit of the doubt.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

There's nothing wrong with commenting; lurkers are always welcome. No such thing as "just" a lurker.

The thing about the Onion--the columnist isn't a real person. He has no history of style. They make up columnist names and use stock photos.

If showing how the word is used lightly was the intent of the article, it failed spectacularly. IMO, it's not funny, it's not satire, and what that leaves is horrendous insensitivity and a lack of social awareness, particularly about rape culture.

[cereta.livejournal.com]

See, to me, it didn't come across as using a trivial situation to satirize rape and rape culture. It came across as using rape to satirize pre-coffee-grouchiness. The first would be hard to pull off. The second is just gross.

[ratcreature]

I can't even follow how it was supposed to be funny. I mean, mostly with offensive humor I can see why someone would think it was funny, even though it is a total failure, but I am at a loss here.

getting my English minor/humor snob hat on

[thebratqueen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm sitting here trying to parse the joke of the piece. Because the specificity of the choice of rape over, say, murder, suggests that there's a specific point to choosing rape. So that would eliminate "The joke is based on how extreme his actions are without coffee" as the punchline.

Rereading some of the wording ("morning mopeys" "I guess I'm just addicted to my daily dose of brew and a rapist") gives the impression that part of the humor is based on the juxtaposition of the ridiculousness of mundane life with the extremeness of the rapist. I'm reminded of John Callahan's cartoon of KKK members commenting on how they love the way sheets feel when they're fresh out of the dryer. (Only John's, yanno, funny).

But then he goes back to mostly relying on the frame of the coffee issue. Which to me suggests that ultimately he was hoping to play on the idea of putting something extreme in a mundane situation, and for some fuck-unknown reason picked rape out of his Mad Lib box.

Which really goes back to the main issue which is that the piece just isn't that good. Even if you try substituting something else ("Murder" or "Throwing a cream pie") the inner structure doesn't work to build the joke. It's literally repeating the same thing over and over again.

Hell, even the title doesn't work. "Rapist" doesn't have enough parallel to any word someone might actually use in that sentence (eg "Until I've had my morning coffee, I am just a beast.") for the use of "rapist" to make sense.

Point being that yes, one could use the elements of "rape" "coffee" "mundane observations about pre-coffee personality vs post" to write a satirical article, but this guy didn't pick any of them.

[littlesammy.livejournal.com]

... the fuck?

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Pretty much, yes.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Um, wow. So this is just out of the blue, or is there some connection to an actual news item, like some rapist trying to use some dumbass defence? Or maybe this news item? Either way, it's not fucking funny, certainly.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

No relation to anything. Just several people at The Onion thinking that was funny.

I really don't know how much energy I have left to actively work against this week's bullshit. And there's more unbelievable Big Bang Fail, as well.

[azriona.livejournal.com]

For the most part, the only bits of the Onion that are funny are the titles - usually I read the articles and I'm less than impressed. This, though - not even the title is funny.

I hope the men who okayed it have mothers and sisters and wives/girlfriends who read it, and also find it not funny. Because yes, I'll email, but I suspect it'd have more impact coming from them.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah; I get the feeling their gut response will be "Those humorless feminists...."

[delle.livejournal.com]

I showed the article to my husband, with no editorial comments from me. Within a minute he said "I don't like this, this is supposed to be funny?"... by the end he was just flabbergasted that someone - anyone - would think that piece was funny.

He's only one man, but at least one man thought it wasn't the least bit funny.

(also, yet another reason why I"m really glad I married this particular man. he's not perfect and he doesn't always get it, but occasionally he does)

[azriona.livejournal.com]

Kudos to you for finding a good one - I suspect mine would agree with him that it's in poor taste, but I haven't had a chance to show it to him.

I do wonder, though - did the Onion print the article because they honestly thought it was funny? Or did they print it knowing it wasn't, but hoping to get the additional attention shown to those who spark controversy? I'm almost inclined to go with the latter.

[wemblee.livejournal.com]

Emailed. UGHHHH. Onion, wtf?

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yah. No. Idea.

[klia.livejournal.com]

What a bunch of unfunny asshats!