tzikeh

So, I'm 1/3 of the way to my weight goal on Weight Watchers, and I can tell that my rate of weight loss is slowing down. It's fine; I knew it was going to happen, and it doesn't frustrate me too much. At first, I thought I was going to wait another until I lost another ten pounds (at which point I'll be halfway to my goal) to begin adding exercise, but then I figured, eh, what the hell, and *ahemmed* Zumba. I love to dance, and it looked like fun. And it *is* fun. Except for the part when it makes me cry.

I used to fuckin' teach dance, and now, because of my weight, when I move my body the way I used to, it doesn't do what I want. Like, at all. And my aerobic capacity is for SHIT. Before the weight gain, I would run 6-7 miles a day, six days a week, and do 45 minutes of circuit training three days a week. Now I can barely make it through the "here are all the steps you need to know" portion of the DVD.

This is only my second day trying Zumba; I did the training section over again, because I couldn't pick up all the steps. (Speaking as someone who has ten years of experience teaching dance, I can tell you that these instructors *suck*. I could write a whole entry on everything they do that sucks and how much they need to fix it.) I burst into tears toward the end of the training section and turned it off. I'm just fucking embarrassed to be who I am at the moment--that I let myself slip so far from who I was before. I was slim, and fit, and strong, and it was awesome. I felt great, and I looked great. Now I'm none of those things, and the fat on my body makes me miserable in all kinds of ways--physical, mental, and emotional.

Yes, I'm bitching about something I'm working to change, and my methods are good and healthy ones, and I know that I'll achieve what I'm aiming for. But right now I'm just pissed off and sad and wanting *me* back.

Here's the bit where I attempt, in what is most likely a clumsy and poorly-worded way, to tip-toe through land mines by asking folks to understand that I am aware that this post may not sit well with some people who are part of the fat acceptance movement and/or some people who are fiercely committed to HAES-particularly the part where I say that I want "me" back, even though I am, obviously, still me. But this is simply how I feel about myself, and not a judgment about anyone else. I believe that each of us should do what we feel is best for ourselves--what makes us glad to be ourselves. Yet I've already had two "friends" tell me that I'm a traitor to feminism, and that I can't see how I've been interpellated by the patriarchy... because I want to lose weight. I didn't feel up to a debate about it, but it's my opinion that they are the traitors to feminism, because they think that they are the arbiters of what I should want, or do, or be.

So, please--don't leave comments about how I'm letting down the feminist movement, or that I'm against fat acceptance or HAES. I'm not. I'm just unhappy about myself right now.