Whining Time Station, followed by sociopolitical mine-dodging

[tzikeh]

So, I'm 1/3 of the way to my weight goal on Weight Watchers, and I can tell that my rate of weight loss is slowing down. It's fine; I knew it was going to happen, and it doesn't frustrate me too much. At first, I thought I was going to wait another until I lost another ten pounds (at which point I'll be halfway to my goal) to begin adding exercise, but then I figured, eh, what the hell, and *ahemmed* Zumba. I love to dance, and it looked like fun. And it *is* fun. Except for the part when it makes me cry.

I used to fuckin' teach dance, and now, because of my weight, when I move my body the way I used to, it doesn't do what I want. Like, at all. And my aerobic capacity is for SHIT. Before the weight gain, I would run 6-7 miles a day, six days a week, and do 45 minutes of circuit training three days a week. Now I can barely make it through the "here are all the steps you need to know" portion of the DVD.

This is only my second day trying Zumba; I did the training section over again, because I couldn't pick up all the steps. (Speaking as someone who has ten years of experience teaching dance, I can tell you that these instructors *suck*. I could write a whole entry on everything they do that sucks and how much they need to fix it.) I burst into tears toward the end of the training section and turned it off. I'm just fucking embarrassed to be who I am at the moment--that I let myself slip so far from who I was before. I was slim, and fit, and strong, and it was awesome. I felt great, and I looked great. Now I'm none of those things, and the fat on my body makes me miserable in all kinds of ways--physical, mental, and emotional.

Yes, I'm bitching about something I'm working to change, and my methods are good and healthy ones, and I know that I'll achieve what I'm aiming for. But right now I'm just pissed off and sad and wanting *me* back.

Here's the bit where I attempt, in what is most likely a clumsy and poorly-worded way, to tip-toe through land mines by asking folks to understand that I am aware that this post may not sit well with some people who are part of the fat acceptance movement and/or some people who are fiercely committed to HAES-particularly the part where I say that I want "me" back, even though I am, obviously, still me. But this is simply how I feel about myself, and not a judgment about anyone else. I believe that each of us should do what we feel is best for ourselves--what makes us glad to be ourselves. Yet I've already had two "friends" tell me that I'm a traitor to feminism, and that I can't see how I've been interpellated by the patriarchy... because I want to lose weight. I didn't feel up to a debate about it, but it's my opinion that they are the traitors to feminism, because they think that they are the arbiters of what I should want, or do, or be.

So, please--don't leave comments about how I'm letting down the feminist movement, or that I'm against fat acceptance or HAES. I'm not. I'm just unhappy about myself right now.

Comments

[misspamela.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, yes to everything you said. I've heard that business too. And it's like, "I...couldn't walk right? That is helping me how?"

And you will be surprised at how quickly you bounce back, seriously.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I just.

I mean, lots of women wear makeup because they want to look a different way--a way that makes them feel more attractive. I do not wear makeup. I don't judge women who wear makeup--hey, enjoy. But I want to lose weight because I liked how I looked when I was slimmer, and OMG I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

What.

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

Dude, people need to stop pissing in other people's cheerios. :-/ Go you!

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

It's really hard, you know? It's like I'm seen as this horribly shallow woman because I want to be slimmer, because I *liked* being slimmer. There's this kind of "Well, if you're doing it for health reasons, that's fine, but if you're doing it because you want to be a size 8, then FUCK YOU" zeitgeist right now. I feel like I should be *apologizing*.

I support you being however you want to be.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I'll just say that I'm a Zumba enthusiast, and if you ever want to talk about it or share tips, I'd be into that. I go to classes at my gym, and it's so awesome because there are people there of all genders, sizes, ethnicities, ages, and levels of fitness -- and the thing uniting them is that every single person has a huge smile on their face.

But yeah, a good teacher makes a huge difference.

Re: I support you being however you want to be.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

The teachers on the DVD... oh my God, the suck. But yes, it is good fun. I can't really afford a gym, and I want to do it every day, and on my chosen schedule, so the DVDs make more sense for me.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

HAAABsolutely with you, dude. Each of us does what she needs to do for her own self, and our reasons are entirely our own. It ought to work coming as well as going.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah - it just seems that it only goes one way, right now. Also I'm in a mood, so that's probably adding to it. ;)

[devohoneybee.livejournal.com]

congratulations on the weight loss! it's haaaaaaaaard. and you know, it's entirely possible for me to love my fat body AND want to lose weight and then love my thinner body. and yeah, i'm for the feminism that means I get to determine these things for myself.

in short, go you!

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't get the other kind of feminism. I mean... it's not feminism. So... buh.

[ipstenu.livejournal.com]

You're not shallow for wanting to look and feel 'better' (where it's understood that better is subjective and defined by yourself alone). Don't let their insecurities invalidate your choices.

There was another rant filled with expletives about how dumb people are, but you don't need that.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Actually, a rant filled with expletives about how dumb people are would be fine, even if it's *shallow* to want to roll around in that kind of venting for a while.

[bailunrui.livejournal.com]

I used to dance weekly and vigorously. Ballet, tap, and jazz. Some weeks I would go out with friends to swing dance for a couple of hours. HOURS. I haven't done that for four years due to graduate school and moving away from my dance company. I've gained weight and I haven't been as active. One Zumba class kicked my ASS. I was sweating like Niagra Falls and I KNOW that my moves weren't of the quality that I used to demand of myself. I feel your pain. :(

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I used to teach swing dance, and I could corral 20 people for 90 minutes while constantly demonstrating the steps, and hardly break a sweat.

Ugh.

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I'd really love to rant about how the patriarchy is defining how you feel about yourself so your wish to lose weight is not truly YOUR wish, and how all sex is rape, and some other stuff. But I don't think I could keep a straight face.

I am heavier right now than I've been in a very long time. I don't wish to lose this weight because of the male gaze or anything. I'd like to lose weight because I like how I feel when I am lighter. I like having that energy. I don't give a shit about the patriarchy.

And yes, HAES is a good concept. For me, my ideal weight is still more than any of the charts would prefer. It has to be HAES that works for YOU. Whatever that may be.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

For me, my ideal weight is still more than any of the charts would prefer.

Yeah, I'm not even *dreaming* about aiming for what I weight in college. I'm aiming for the high end of my "ideal" weight (whatever-the-fuck that is; BMI is bullshit), and would be fine if it were higher than the top end by a few pounds.

Gah. I remember thinking I was *fat* in college when I was 125 pounds instead of 118. I mean, we get so fucked up so early.

[bethcarielle.livejournal.com]

So the thing about fat/size acceptance and HAES is the implied continuum. "Every size" does not mean "every size above socially acceptable." It means every fat person, every thin person, and everyone in between.

You had a body that you knew and loved. There is nothing, nothing, wrong with missing and wanting that body back. And if there's a sane, reasonable way for you to get that body back and be happy, there's no reason you shouldn't. Because happy is more important than fitting anyone's "acceptable" social standards; whether they be the patriarchy's or your misguided "feminist" friends.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Right -- it's just hard to say "I don't think I'm attractive with this weight, and I really loved how I looked when I wasn't heavy," when the driving force behind HAES is about health, and not looks. I *do* sound shallow. I know the health benefits of losing the fat, but that isn't my primary reason for losing it, and that makes me someone some women look askance at.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I believe that each of us should do what we feel is best for ourselves--what makes us glad to be ourselves.

Abso-fucking-lutely. And it really sucks once you've been in shape to try and get your physical fitness mojo back after being sedentary or ill or too busy or whatever, because it's shocking how quickly stamina and muscle memory and strength and flexibility and everything else just fucking disappears like it was never there. I'm talking a few weeks or a month, and poof, it's gone. I had to learn to start slowly (like, literally, 10 minutes) and expect WAY less of myself, or I'd get frustrated and give up.

Yet I've already had two "friends" tell me that I'm a traitor to feminism, and that I can't see how I've been interpellated by the patriarchy... because I want to lose weight.

I know this won't lessen your pain and anger, but... I'm really glad you put that word in quotes, because those people are NOT your fucking friends. People who are into belittling and humiliating others are ASSHOLES (and possibly sociopaths) who obviously have their own issues (and may be too un-self-aware to realize it). And I'm really fucking sick of size discrimination (in ANY form) being passed off as feminism. It's not. It's BULLSHIT.

You're doing really, really well, and I'm SO proud of you!

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I had to learn to start slowly (like, literally, 10 minutes) and expect WAY less of myself, or I'd get frustrated and give up.

Yeah, that's a tough lesson I'm learning.

You're doing really, really well, and I'm SO proud of you!

Thank you so much for that.

[darthhellokitty.livejournal.com]

As far as I'm concerned, feminism is about being able to choose what you want to do (as far as sex, careers, reproduction, etc etc) rather than others being able to tell you what to do. Sounds to me like you're doing what you choose to do, and some phony feminists are trying to tell you what to do... hmmm...

[ramblinsuze.livejournal.com]

I think you should love yourself and be accepted/not discriminated against at any size, but there is no reason not to say, y'know, I think I'd like myself even *better* if I felt better, learned something new, whatever. If we never change, WTF is the point of existence? "Traitor to feminism" WTF is that bullshit????

Anyway, I know exactly where you're coming from. My weight and fitness level have been all over the place through the course of my life. And there is nothing worse than trying an activity that you know you used to do well/enjoy and your body just can't keep up. It's so disheartening. I remember putting in one of my "easy" exercise vids quite a while back (when I was still very heavy) and sobbing because my muscle memory was still there, but I just couldn't do it aerobically. I couldn't even get through the whole thing. That SUCKS. But just stick with it and you'll be fine. :)

I don't know how I got so lucky. I haven't had anyone say anything so blatantly stupid to me about my weight loss. And given how controversial WLS still is, I really expected *somebody* to give me a hard time. But fuck it, it's your body, your health, your self-esteem, YOUR BUSINESS AND NOBODY ELSE'S.

[bibliogrrl.livejournal.com]

But this is simply how I feel about myself,

DUDE. That's what HAES *IS*. You're not comfortable with yourself, you are fixing it. You are not judging anyone else.

Me? I'm fat. I want to be less fat (IE - would like to get back down to an 18). That is where I feel strong and fit as MYSELF.

Fuck the haters. Do what you have to do to be happy. If it works for you, and you're being healthy and safe about it, the people who have problems only have problems with themselves.

[magdalene1.livejournal.com]

Man, I liked meeting/stalking you at Frankenstein and I like reading your journal. You looked good, girl, and you will when you are how you are happy with how you look and feel. You're okay! This is just one shitty day that won't matter 5 years from now.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

d00d it's you! Awesome! And thank you for saying I looked good. That's a nice ego-boo.

[hubbit.livejournal.com]

You're making the effort to do what you can in order to bring yourself to a point where you feel better about yourself. Why must selfish and shallow balloon-deflaters feel the need to declare judgment on you and your own personal goals? What you're doing and why is nobody else's damned business.

We humans do a tremendous disservice to ourselves and to others when we impose our own subjective personal standards on others - who are their own persons and who should be fully capable of making their own choices and at least attempting to obtaining whatever goals they want from themselves and their lives.

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

I think "fat acceptance" has to include acceptance of any way you like yourself to be, right? It's all about being happy with yourself.

I'm ok being "chubby" or whatever, but I want to be FIT again. In 2004, I'd reached a weight lower than I am now (which is lower than I was a year ago!). I was around a size 10-12. BUT I WAS FIT. I was working out, doing yoga, cardio, weights. I felt strong and flexible. I felt attractive. I want to get back to that.

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

I think this is a great post—because confronting these low moments will make you stronger, and it's served (*points to self*) to inspire other people who are struggling with the same thoughts. Everyone has low days. You're awesome for pushing through it and being public about it. I tip my hat to you.

Just today I was reading tips on using online tools and social media to help in losing weight, and one of them was poorly-titled "viral blogging", and it was exactly what you're doing—publicly sharing your successes and frustrations. I thought of you. :)

[shrewreader.livejournal.com]

That sounds like some really crappy program designing there. Yuck.

And WTF 'traitor to feminism?' Dame Rebecca Smith (you know - the one who got women the vote in the UK, 10 years before the US?) had an awesome definition: 'I don't know what feminism is: I just know that I am called a feminist when I express an opinion that differentiates me from a doormat.'

This traitor to feminism should probably get her stuff together to sort out what the cases of the Day are for her Nimwits....

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

I totally applaud your going after the body you want to have & the level of fitness / physical capability you want to have. This shit is HARD. You are awesome. The end.

[the-shoshanna.livejournal.com]

I am incredibly impressed with you, and your hard work and achievements (even if you're not all the way to where you want to be yet, you have achieved a lot! and the rest will come). And I am incredibly unimpressed with the people who lambasted you. Feh.

[elynross.livejournal.com]

I'm all over fat acceptance, but to me this kind of shit is like the "feminists" who declared you couldn't be a feminist and make a choice to stay home and take care of your kids. It never made sense to me, and I felt it damaged and undercut the whole movement.

There was an FA blogger who, for health reasons, made the choice to have WLS, and she blogged later about the hate mail she got, calling her a traitor, etc. I'd already started to get a bit ambivalent about reading a lot of FA and HAES-specific stuff, in part because of the militant tone of some of the people, in part because of the sense that some people used it to browbeat others, and partly? Because of the emphasis on Health at Every Size, because God forbid someone not be healthy, or actively working towards being healthy. FA on its own does that less (if you can talk about it as being on its own), but then some of their more militant members then do the kind of crap you're experiencing, where if you even try to lose weight, for any reason, you're violating the principles.

So, I'm just over here, now, trying to feel better and do what my body seems to want, and hoping to get to a point where I can cross my legs, and more easily put on my own shoes, and climb a few flights of stairs without feeling like shit, and fuck anyone who has a problem with that.

[sethrak.livejournal.com]

Joining the chorus of bogglement that there are people purporting to be your friends and purporting to be feminists who are giving you grief over this. I thought the FA movement was about loving your body, loving other people's bodies, being healthy at any weight, and ending the culture of body shaming. I thought feminism was in part about ending the culture of society policing women's body choices and life choices and letting women be free to make their own informed choices. I damn well know friendship isn't about making people feel small.

Me, I'm trying to lose a touch of weight and get into better shape because I liked the way my body looked and felt and moved when it was smaller, and I'm sick and tired of getting winded after only 30 minutes concentrated movement, and feeling like I got my ass kicked by the fatigue for days afterward. (I do more than 30 minutes of activity daily, far more.... just not in 30 minute stretches.) If this is what you need to do for yourself, then rock on.

[phoenix64.livejournal.com]

I find myself noticing that there are people around me see my successful efforts at weight loss to mean that suddenly I'll be OK with the attitude that everyone should be trying to lose weight and that anyone could do it if they really just used a little self-discipline. The difference between the people you're having problems with and the people I'm having problems with is that the people I'm having problems with DO feel that way.

I do try to find a civil way to essentially tell them to bite me (and educate them about their biases), but it still pisses me off. I hate that we're so fucked up about weight and weight loss.

I"m sorry you're going through a hard part right now but it will get better. Remember to congratulate yourself on what you've already achieved, because that was hard too and you still did it!

[stevenglassman.livejournal.com]

Pshaw. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel healthy and lithe. There's only one thing to watch out for, in my opinion.

I have a friend who lost something like 180 pounds- she was very large for a very long time, and now she works for (and is a sometimes spokesperson for) one of the major weight loss companies out there. However, she's taken weight loss to such an extreme that she has problems with food at times. I don't mean like an eating disorder, but she'll have full on panic attacks and depression of she eats the wrong thing.

I guess my point is, be good to yourself. And be healthy.

Anyone who thinks you're letting down the feminist movement for that is not worth the energy it took to type this sentence.