Potentially bad news -- but only very potentially

[tzikeh]

On Friday, as I was conducting my monthly breast self-exam, I found a lump. Now, I have very fibrous breasts, so they're very lumpy, but this lump did not feel like the others--it's hard and oval and thick. I could move it around, which is one of the "good" signs, but that's sometimes more that the tissue surrounding it is moving than the lump itself.

I saw my OB-GYN today, and she checked very carefully. She wasn't all "Let's go across the street to NU Medical Center," but we did schedule a mammogram for Wednesday the 21st. I asked if there was any way to get an appointment sooner, and she said that, basically, if it weren't the doctor's office calling (i.e. if it were me), the next appointment would be six months from now. This is the fastest they can see me.

She said that she wasn't overly concerned; my breasts are extremely fibrous (as I said) and she didn't find it as "hard" as I did. Seeing as how she palpates multiple breasts every day, I am inclined to take her word for it. Still, she is concerned enough to order a mammogram rather than dismiss it as "nope, that can't be a tumor." She also said that, if it *is* a tumor, waiting two weeks for a mammogram, as compared to one day, was not going to make a difference. I'm not 100% sure on that, but I trust this woman a great deal, so mostly I'm just going to have various levels of anxiety till the 21st. She said that, once they've completed the mammogram, they will have the results pretty much right that moment. If it is malignant, they'll send me down to radiology, and then they'd begin chemo that day, or the next day, depending on the time the mammogram is over. The appointment is at 7:30 am, so I'm hopeful that, should this be "something" rather than "nothing," I'd get going pronto.

She also said that I should expect to be there all day. I love my Kindle so much right now.

I'm actually not as worried as I thought I might be, but I also have two weeks to work up to it. :)

So, if you're one of the people I chat with most days, and I'm either not around or a bit weird or snappish, please cut me a little slack.

Okay, now the touchy part.

I am grateful for empathetic comments such as "I'll keep you in my thoughts" or "I hope it's nothing" or the like, and I have a pretty black sense of humor, so jokes are always welcome, but please, don't leave comments about praying. I ask for just that one consideration only because I'm really really touchy at the moment, and I'm not in a place where that's going to be okay for me. I know this is a potentially offensive thing to say to many of you. I wish it weren't something I need to say, but it's for my own mental health.. If you want to pray for me, hey--go for it. Just please don't tell me about it.


So, there's that.

Comments

[silveraspen]

Oh, yikes. Stress like that you don't need (no one does, really, but I think you know what I mean).

Thinking of you in the next few weeks, and hoping for the best possible results ever as soon as can be.

[tzikeh]

Thanks so much. I appreciate it. :)

[ratcreature]

Having to worry for two weeks sucks. I'm crossing my fingers that it'll turns out something harmless.

[tzikeh]

Yeah, the worry is the shitty part, right now. And the chances, of course, are always in favor of "nothing" rather than "something," but if Dr. Phan said, "yeah, let's get a mammogram," then it's a little more anxiety-inducing than "Nah, this is clearly nothing."

Thanks for the finger-crossing!

[abbylee]

Thinking good thoughts for you and for it being nothing <3

[tzikeh]

It's much appreciated. :)

[beledibabe]

Can I kick life to the curb for you? Well, even if not, I hope it all turns out to be a lot of doodah over nothing.

[tzikeh]

"a doodah over nothing" is my new favorite phrase. :)

[beledibabe]

I believe it was Shakespeare's original title, but that rascal Marlowe convinced him to change it to "Much Ado About Nothing."

[dorinda]

Two weeeeeeks blaaaagh. Sounds like your doctor is a good person to have in your corner, though. *hugs*

[tzikeh]

She's pretty terrific, yes. *hugs*

Also ICON! :D

[klia]

Fuck! I'm so sorry you've having to deal with this, especially the waiting part, which I know from experience sucks really, really hard. Hoping it's nothing. {{{you}}}

[tzikeh]

Yeah, the wait is already unpleasant. *hugs* The numbers are on my side, though, so I'm not a complete wreck.

[the_shoshanna]

Argh, I'm so sorry you're having to go through two weeks of waiting, and I'm hoping that the only thing you have to go through after that is several celebratory drinks.

[tzikeh]

Man, I will drink the maximum my psychopharmacologist says I can drink with the meds I'm taking, I tell you what.

[fox]

Will it help you fret less to point out that the two weeks between now and the 'gram are less than the month between monthly breast exams? [is hopeful]

I shall be thinking positive benign thoughts for you.

[tzikeh]

The two weeks doesn't bother me re: things getting worse if it is, in fact, bad--it's just augh why can't I know *now*?

Thanks for the thoughts.

[jelazakazone]

Oh man. I'm sorry to hear that you found something scary and have to wait 2 weeks to get a test to get more information. I completely understand the worry/not-worry thing. I really hope it's nothing. Try to find lots of things to distract yourself because there is nothing else you can do in the meantime.

[tzikeh]

Well, I can distract myself with a MASSIVE JOB SEARCH. *bleah*

[jelazakazone]

Oh. My. God. That is not the kind of distraction I had in mind. At all:( I hope you can find some comfort somewhere in these next two weeks and an answer at the end of the mammogram that doesn't involve any kind of treatment.

[twistedchick]

I'll be thinking of you. ::hugs and tea::

[tzikeh]

Thanks -- oooh, tea.

[kass]

I am sorry to head this, and will hope for the best.

[tzikeh]

Thanks. I do appreciate it.

[laurajv]

Man, boobs are troublemakers, I tell you what. I hope yours are fine!

[thaccian]

There is only one appropriate response to this stressful news:

Naked Llama

COMMENT WIN

[tzikeh]

Re: COMMENT WIN

[klia]

[mlyn]

Thinking of you, and all digits crossed.

[semielliptical]

Oh, I'm sorry - I know that waiting for this kind of test is NOT fun. It is pretty likely that it will be "nothing" but of course even a slim chance is very scary. Hope the next few weeks go by as quickly as possible and you get good news right away after the test.

[taselby]

Well, fuck. I sincerely hope it's nothing, but in the meantime, how about a long-distance {{{hug}}} and mild anxiety on your behalf?

Waiting sucks.

(passes bag of Dove dark chocolate)

[montanaharper]

*hugs* Thinking positive thoughts for you.

[loreleif]

Sending you good thoughts. Gah, waiting sucks!

[annezo]

Been there, lumpwise, and sweated the hours out until I got the all-clear.

I'm sending good thoughts that you'll get the same results.

With fingers crossed (because part of me is eternally four years old and still believes that helps).

[bkwyrm]

Well. That sucks.
As you know, my life varies wildly in business and availability of childcare, but should you need a car at some point, with or without a driver, let me know? Our insurance covers anyone who drives it, so if you needed it for a day or so, we could work something out.
I hope like hell it's nothing at all. I've got fibrous breasts too, and a mammogram coming up, so I do feel you on the "is that a NORMAL lump or a WEIRD lump" question that you run into each month.
Like THIS is what you need right now. NOT ON, UNIVERSE, NOT ON.