Being positive about my health today

[tzikeh]

Tomorrow is my mammogram. I have to be at the hospital and 7am, and they say to expect to be there until 1pm. Kindle ahoy. Plus I *just* found out that I'm not supposed to wear anti-perspirant/deodorant. Good to know.

So, to take my mind off of that, I'm going to focus on some good health stuff. It's weight-loss talk, so I'm putting most of it under cuts for those who don't want to hear about it/don't care.

Warning: shit-loads of information.


Here's a bit of background for those who don't know me/have never met me.

I am 42 years old, and 5'1". From the ages of 18 to 28, my weight fluctuated between 118-125 pounds, and my measurements were pretty much 35-24-36. From the ages of 22 to 25, I ran about five miles a day, six days a week. I did circuit three days a week. I had a personal trainer. (Let me make clear that I didn't do this for any other reason than that I *love* to run and do weight and strength training. I know not everyone does.) Also from age 22 to age 25, I worked a day job, and was either rehearsing or performing most evenings with an operetta company.

Now, as far as exercise working to maintain that 118-125 weight. While I did exercise quite a bit after college, during college I still sat between 118-125 pounds, but I didn't exercise at all, and I had crappy eating habits. Seriously--I ate like shit. I've eaten like shit my whole life. I never learned to cook; college provided all kinds of opportunities to eat nothing but shit for four years; I lived on take-out after college.

At 25, I moved to a new apartment, far away from my gym. I joined another gym that was decently close to my new place, but I didn't like it there as much. It was very much a "people go to the gym to be seen working out," whereas my old gym was "people go to the gym to *work out*." The trainers at the new gym were much more expensive.

At 25, I left the theater community for a reason I won't get into here, but suffice it to say I never wanted to leave and I am still miserable about it to this day. So, losing the gym, coupled with losing rehearsing, singing, dancing, etc., my exercise regimen went out the window.

Once I hit 30, my metabolism quit. I mean, just turned in its two-week notice and took off for Parts Unknown. Seriously. BAM. By 34, I weighed 155 pounds. Oh God I was was SO FAT OMG, and became seriously self-loathing about it.

(AHAHAHAHAHAHA *tears of laughter*)

I went back to school at 37, which caused some *serious* sitting-around-on-my-fat-and-getting-fatter ass, as well as even worse eating habits, since it's oftentimes vending machine or starve on a commuter campus. By 40, I weighed 175 pounds. This past New Year's Eve, in the 42nd year of my life, I topped out at 188 pounds, measurements 46-37-48. I had put on fifty percent of my body weight in seventeen years.

Kids! Take 42-year-old Fat!tzikeh's advice. If you're not currently eating well and exercising, start now. You think it can't happen to you. IT CAN.

(To clarify: I AM GENERALIZING. Some people are heavier than they'd like to be due to any number of factors besides what they eat and how much they exercise. I am well aware of this.)

Over the years, as my weight kept going up, I worked a lot of different diet plans. I did Atkins (worked gangbusters holy cow, but I couldn't maintain eating like that forever IF YOU PAID ME, and I gained it all back and then some.) I did Slim-Fast (oh God what was I thinking. Lost, and gained it all back and then some.) I did Nutrisystem (holy shit, I'm sorry, that food SUCKS and it's expensive liek woah. Lost, and gained and then some. Are you sensing a pattern?)

Last year, I snapped, and thought "fuck it; no more. I'm done with this." And I honestly felt it, but I didn't wind up acting on it until almost a year later. Why? Dunno. But six months ago, I joined Weight Watchers Online, and I've never looked back. It's not a diet. It doesn't require you to buy any products. It doesn't tell you what to eat, ever. It doesn't exclude ANY FOOD OF ANY KIND. It gives you a points system, and says, "Here's how many points you get per day. Here's a bank of extra points per week. Here's how to figure out how many points anything you choose to eat or drink is worth. You want to eat a whole cake? Go to town. Just do the points and enter them into the website. Big Mac, shake, and fries for breakfast? We don't give a shit. Here are some nutritional guidelines in case you want them. Enjoy your cake; enjoy your fries."

There's no pressure to learn how to do it 'right,' and then do that as fast as you can. There is no right way to do it. You can futz about with what you choose to devote your points to for as long as you like--forever, if you so choose. It's not "Monday, I start my *diet*." You don't wake up one day and have to instantly alter how or what you eat.

Something to know: counting points is not the same as simply counting calories, because many foods with a higher calorie count than others also have more fiber and/or more protein and so forth, and therefore cost fewer points than something that has fewer calories but less nutritional value.

There has never been a day when I felt guilty about what I ate--and trust me, I have had days where the sum total of my daily intake was a whole pizza and then some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. No guilt. Om nom nom. And I'll tell you what. Once guilt was out the window, and I could eat anything? I wound up eating a bit better of my own free will, month by month. Not because I suddenly became a nutrition expert and/or a health fanatic, and not because I wound up heading down that hard-to-avoid road of "I only walked x minutes today and if I have this candy bar it will all be for naught." I just... did. It was, and is, so easy.

I can't speak to the question of "how did you do it," really. I don't know. I got sick of looking like a stranger and hating my body. I have no problem saying that health concerns were waaaaaay secondary to vanity (even at 188, my health was excellent: blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar levels, liver function, kidney function, etc.). Looking good in my own eyes is my reason. I refuse to feel morally inferior for wanting to be slim, which is what I consider to be the more attractive version of me.


Those of you who know me in person, but haven't seen me in a while, are likely to look at the New Year's Eve photos and go... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? Trust me, I had the same reaction. I had avoided looking in mirrors for years, honestly. I willfully ignored my body's appearance. Seeing the NYE photos brought me to tears.



For a baseline, here's my headshot from 1994:





New Year's Eve, 2010:

I call this one "BLEURGH"





And this one? "AUGH"





And this one? "NEVER AGAIN"





In 2006, I bought a dress for Club Vivid (the dance party at VividCon). If the dress had been a size 4 (my usual size from age 18 to age 25), I'd have loved it. But because it was a FAT-PERSON dress, in my eyes, I fucking hated it. I was 37 and I weighed 162 pounds. By 38, I could no longer fit into it, and tried to sell it because I couldn't bear to look at it. It wound up sitting in the back of my closet.

Last month, I tried it on again. Not only could I get back into it, but it's slightly too big.

This one? "HALFWAY THERE!"





Now, you've got to understand. The last time I wore this dress, I felt miserable about my body. I hated it. I pretty much felt like a failure. Wearing it now, I feel like a success. I'm gonna keep it around, and probably have it taken in as I lose more weight until there's no way to take it in anymore.

This doesn't mean I've hit the finish line regarding pounds off. Far from it. I've got my hands behind my back in that photo because it camouflages a bit of the upper-arm flab. I've got one leg bent because it emphasizes the difference in size between my waist and my hips. I still don't like my body; I don't feel good in it. But damn if it isn't so much better than it was on January 1st that I could throw a party.







Start (February 26): 188.5 pounds
Today (September 18): 158.2 pounds

Average loss per week: One pound. Slow and steady. During every diet I tried before, I was desperate to lose X pounds in Y weeks. But dude? Fuck that noise. It's just one more way to give yourself stress and prime yourself for failure. My impatience disappeared. Don't know how, but from day one, it hasn't been present.

There is no deadline, only Zuul goal.

My goal is 130. It's the high end of the "healthy weight range" for my height (106 to 132). The guidelines are merely that, but I think it's a good goal anyway. I'm well aware that 118 is a pipe dream, and 125 would probably require far more aerobic exercise and weight training than I'm willing to engage in at this point. Maybe one day I'll give it a go. But if I can maintain at 130 (which, in college, I considered The Point of No Return), I will be ecstatic.










So. That's The Story So Far. Stay tuned.

Comments

[ilyena_sylph]

I am in the middle of that 'what the fuck, my metabolism just quit, oh god no matter what I do I keep putting on weight' panic right now (at 27).

Thank you for the rec, and the advice.

[kass]

Holy wow. Your determination impresses the hell out of me.

(and I think you look HOT LIKE BURNING in that dress right now, and I am so glad that it feels like victory to you.

I applaud you, because you are awesome.

[beledibabe]

First, wild applause for you addressing your concerns and doing something about them that works! ::cheering, throwing small children into the air, pompoms, etc.::

Second, oh, God, I think I'm going to have to do WW. I hate systems. I hate (burning sun, yadda) the idea of tracking yet another aspect of my life. But so many friends are examples of its success. (And if you think it's tough to make changes at 41, wait til you hit your mid-50s. Oh dear LORD, where the hell did my metabolism go? I think it's taken off for Florida and neglected to tell me.)

Anyhow, many thanks for the info! And I'm cheering you on to reach your goals!

[the_shoshanna]

Congratulations on the fabulous weight-loss progress, and I'll be thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow.

[klia]

I think you're gorgeous in all of those pics, but I'm probably biased. ;) I'm just SO glad you're doing so well and feeling better about yourself. That's the important thing.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, sending good thoughts your way. And I'm glad someone told you about the no deodorant/anti-perspirant/scent rule beforehand.

{{{you}}}