Whining Time Station, followed by sociopolitical mine-dodging

[tzikeh]

So, I'm 1/3 of the way to my weight goal on Weight Watchers, and I can tell that my rate of weight loss is slowing down. It's fine; I knew it was going to happen, and it doesn't frustrate me too much. At first, I thought I was going to wait another until I lost another ten pounds (at which point I'll be halfway to my goal) to begin adding exercise, but then I figured, eh, what the hell, and *ahemmed* Zumba. I love to dance, and it looked like fun. And it *is* fun. Except for the part when it makes me cry.

I used to fuckin' teach dance, and now, because of my weight, when I move my body the way I used to, it doesn't do what I want. Like, at all. And my aerobic capacity is for SHIT. Before the weight gain, I would run 6-7 miles a day, six days a week, and do 45 minutes of circuit training three days a week. Now I can barely make it through the "here are all the steps you need to know" portion of the DVD.

This is only my second day trying Zumba; I did the training section over again, because I couldn't pick up all the steps. (Speaking as someone who has ten years of experience teaching dance, I can tell you that these instructors *suck*. I could write a whole entry on everything they do that sucks and how much they need to fix it.) I burst into tears toward the end of the training section and turned it off. I'm just fucking embarrassed to be who I am at the moment--that I let myself slip so far from who I was before. I was slim, and fit, and strong, and it was awesome. I felt great, and I looked great. Now I'm none of those things, and the fat on my body makes me miserable in all kinds of ways--physical, mental, and emotional.

Yes, I'm bitching about something I'm working to change, and my methods are good and healthy ones, and I know that I'll achieve what I'm aiming for. But right now I'm just pissed off and sad and wanting *me* back.

Here's the bit where I attempt, in what is most likely a clumsy and poorly-worded way, to tip-toe through land mines by asking folks to understand that I am aware that this post may not sit well with some people who are part of the fat acceptance movement and/or some people who are fiercely committed to HAES-particularly the part where I say that I want "me" back, even though I am, obviously, still me. But this is simply how I feel about myself, and not a judgment about anyone else. I believe that each of us should do what we feel is best for ourselves--what makes us glad to be ourselves. Yet I've already had two "friends" tell me that I'm a traitor to feminism, and that I can't see how I've been interpellated by the patriarchy... because I want to lose weight. I didn't feel up to a debate about it, but it's my opinion that they are the traitors to feminism, because they think that they are the arbiters of what I should want, or do, or be.

So, please--don't leave comments about how I'm letting down the feminist movement, or that I'm against fat acceptance or HAES. I'm not. I'm just unhappy about myself right now.

Comments

[misspamela.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes, yes to everything you said. I've heard that business too. And it's like, "I...couldn't walk right? That is helping me how?"

And you will be surprised at how quickly you bounce back, seriously.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I just.

I mean, lots of women wear makeup because they want to look a different way--a way that makes them feel more attractive. I do not wear makeup. I don't judge women who wear makeup--hey, enjoy. But I want to lose weight because I liked how I looked when I was slimmer, and OMG I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

What.

[falzalot.livejournal.com]

Dude, people need to stop pissing in other people's cheerios. :-/ Go you!

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

It's really hard, you know? It's like I'm seen as this horribly shallow woman because I want to be slimmer, because I *liked* being slimmer. There's this kind of "Well, if you're doing it for health reasons, that's fine, but if you're doing it because you want to be a size 8, then FUCK YOU" zeitgeist right now. I feel like I should be *apologizing*.

I support you being however you want to be.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I'll just say that I'm a Zumba enthusiast, and if you ever want to talk about it or share tips, I'd be into that. I go to classes at my gym, and it's so awesome because there are people there of all genders, sizes, ethnicities, ages, and levels of fitness -- and the thing uniting them is that every single person has a huge smile on their face.

But yeah, a good teacher makes a huge difference.

Re: I support you being however you want to be.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

The teachers on the DVD... oh my God, the suck. But yes, it is good fun. I can't really afford a gym, and I want to do it every day, and on my chosen schedule, so the DVDs make more sense for me.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

HAAABsolutely with you, dude. Each of us does what she needs to do for her own self, and our reasons are entirely our own. It ought to work coming as well as going.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah - it just seems that it only goes one way, right now. Also I'm in a mood, so that's probably adding to it. ;)

[devohoneybee.livejournal.com]

congratulations on the weight loss! it's haaaaaaaaard. and you know, it's entirely possible for me to love my fat body AND want to lose weight and then love my thinner body. and yeah, i'm for the feminism that means I get to determine these things for myself.

in short, go you!

[ipstenu.livejournal.com]

You're not shallow for wanting to look and feel 'better' (where it's understood that better is subjective and defined by yourself alone). Don't let their insecurities invalidate your choices.

There was another rant filled with expletives about how dumb people are, but you don't need that.

[bailunrui.livejournal.com]

I used to dance weekly and vigorously. Ballet, tap, and jazz. Some weeks I would go out with friends to swing dance for a couple of hours. HOURS. I haven't done that for four years due to graduate school and moving away from my dance company. I've gained weight and I haven't been as active. One Zumba class kicked my ASS. I was sweating like Niagra Falls and I KNOW that my moves weren't of the quality that I used to demand of myself. I feel your pain. :(

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I'd really love to rant about how the patriarchy is defining how you feel about yourself so your wish to lose weight is not truly YOUR wish, and how all sex is rape, and some other stuff. But I don't think I could keep a straight face.

I am heavier right now than I've been in a very long time. I don't wish to lose this weight because of the male gaze or anything. I'd like to lose weight because I like how I feel when I am lighter. I like having that energy. I don't give a shit about the patriarchy.

And yes, HAES is a good concept. For me, my ideal weight is still more than any of the charts would prefer. It has to be HAES that works for YOU. Whatever that may be.

[bailunrui.livejournal.com]

ARE YOU ME?? I don't wear makeup and don't judge those that do. I want to lose weight because I think I looked better slimmer. Then again, you're being a lot more active about the losing weight part. :)

[bethcarielle.livejournal.com]

So the thing about fat/size acceptance and HAES is the implied continuum. "Every size" does not mean "every size above socially acceptable." It means every fat person, every thin person, and everyone in between.

You had a body that you knew and loved. There is nothing, nothing, wrong with missing and wanting that body back. And if there's a sane, reasonable way for you to get that body back and be happy, there's no reason you shouldn't. Because happy is more important than fitting anyone's "acceptable" social standards; whether they be the patriarchy's or your misguided "feminist" friends.

Re: I support you being however you want to be.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

::nodnod:: I've seriously considered buying a DVD or two myself, as I don't make it to classes nearly often enough. But I just know P. would want to watch...

If you find one with a good teacher, let me know!

Re: I support you being however you want to be.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Oh, they don't work like that. The first segment is three Zumba instructors showing all the moves you need to learn. Then there's a "cardio party" segment. Then there's a... firm and tone? segment, I think. Then there's a live segment with a whole bunch of attendees, and then there's the abs segment.

That's the DVD package; there are no other trainers.

Re: I support you being however you want to be.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Hmph. So it's Apple rather than Linux in the Zumba world, I see. I suppose I can adapt...

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

IF I WERE YOU, WE WOULD BE SMOOSHED TOGETHER INTO ONE BEING, AND WE WOULD BOTH WEIGH A LOT MORE THAN WE DO RIGHT NOW.

But yeah, I can take or leave makeup, though I'm thinking of a trip to Sephora as a gift to myself after another 10 pounds (I'm in my 40s now, and I sense the need for moisturizer and face stuff).

As for being active about losing weight, frankly, I was unhappy for years, and did nothing about it, and then I woke up one morning and said, okay, done with this. Seriously. So when people ask me how I did it, I can't really help them.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I don't get the other kind of feminism. I mean... it's not feminism. So... buh.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

Actually, a rant filled with expletives about how dumb people are would be fine, even if it's *shallow* to want to roll around in that kind of venting for a while.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I used to teach swing dance, and I could corral 20 people for 90 minutes while constantly demonstrating the steps, and hardly break a sweat.

Ugh.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

For me, my ideal weight is still more than any of the charts would prefer.

Yeah, I'm not even *dreaming* about aiming for what I weight in college. I'm aiming for the high end of my "ideal" weight (whatever-the-fuck that is; BMI is bullshit), and would be fine if it were higher than the top end by a few pounds.

Gah. I remember thinking I was *fat* in college when I was 125 pounds instead of 118. I mean, we get so fucked up so early.

[kirbyfest.livejournal.com]

I remember being in middle school, barely 100 pounds soaking wet, and obsessing about my enormous thighs and my belly.

It is to weep.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

So screwed up. And then we finally get to a mature place about weight, and our decisions about our own bodies, and we're told we're wrong AGAIN.

[klia.livejournal.com]

I believe that each of us should do what we feel is best for ourselves--what makes us glad to be ourselves.

Abso-fucking-lutely. And it really sucks once you've been in shape to try and get your physical fitness mojo back after being sedentary or ill or too busy or whatever, because it's shocking how quickly stamina and muscle memory and strength and flexibility and everything else just fucking disappears like it was never there. I'm talking a few weeks or a month, and poof, it's gone. I had to learn to start slowly (like, literally, 10 minutes) and expect WAY less of myself, or I'd get frustrated and give up.

Yet I've already had two "friends" tell me that I'm a traitor to feminism, and that I can't see how I've been interpellated by the patriarchy... because I want to lose weight.

I know this won't lessen your pain and anger, but... I'm really glad you put that word in quotes, because those people are NOT your fucking friends. People who are into belittling and humiliating others are ASSHOLES (and possibly sociopaths) who obviously have their own issues (and may be too un-self-aware to realize it). And I'm really fucking sick of size discrimination (in ANY form) being passed off as feminism. It's not. It's BULLSHIT.

You're doing really, really well, and I'm SO proud of you!