tzikeh

WHEEE!!

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the-star-fish.livejournal.com

Dear Lord in heaven.

Thank you!!!

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Oh. My. God. That's bad.

I *love* it.

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kamilaa.livejournal.com

Tell me your favorite bad/stupid joke. I collect them.

What are a redneck's last words?

Hey, y'all, watch this!

Avoiding right along with you.

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OMG I love that joke. YAY!

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valarltd.livejournal.com

We're using that one on a tombstone this Halloween.
Chez Mudd is going to turn into the Crypto-zoologist Retreat. And Joe-Bob "Bubba" Shay, who drowned looking for the Altamanaha-ha in 95, has that epitaph.

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the-star-fish.livejournal.com

Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo!?

Willie Garson!

Jerry O'Donnell!

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This is my favorite dirty joke.

Why are women such bad judges of distance?

Because they've always been told that this ::hold thumb and forefinger 4 inches apart:: is 8 inches.

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SNORK!

It's funny 'cuz it's true...

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byob-kenobi.livejournal.com

A Koala bear walks into a whorehouse, looking for some action.

He picks up a prostitute, has his way with her, and goes to walk out the door.

She says, "Hey, buddy, that'll be $200."

He says, "Yeah?"

She shows him the price list. "Can't you read? It's right here."

He hands her a pocket dictionary, points to an entry, and walks out. "Read *that*, lady."

The entry said, "Koala Bear: Australian mammal that eats bush and leaves."

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imkalena.livejournal.com

*snorfle* Oh, that's adorable!

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Here's the offensive(ish) dirty joke.

Some background: This was told to me by a gay man while I was in Cincinnati. It's told using his words.

A pair of lesbians and a pair of fags leave Cincinnati for Florida. Who get there first?

The pair of lesbians because they do 69 the whole way.

The fags have to go back to pack more shit.

(The best part about this is that the woman I was with, a professional faghag, thought the last line 'had no sexual innuendo' and was a bit revolted when I explained it to her.)

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destina.livejournal.com

Me: Knock knock.

You: Who's there?

Me: Control freak. Okay, now you say, "Control freak who?"

*g*

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LOL!!

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BWAH!!!!

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sociofemme.livejournal.com

what's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I dunno and I don't care.

What's worse than ten dead people in a trash can?
One dead person in ten trash cans.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean?
Fucked.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.

And on that note, I hope you are entertained/amused/disgusted enough. =D

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a hole?

Doug!

What do you call the guy on top of him?

Phil!

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falzalot.livejournal.com

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who plays 27 different instruments?

Stump the band!

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katrimae.livejournal.com

One day Jesus and Moses were walking to the beach. They came across a leper and Moses said, "Hey, remember how you used to heal lepers all the time? Why don't you do that anymore?"

Jesus said, "Well, I don't know. It's been a while..." But Moses eventually talked him into healing the leper for old time's sake.

They kept walking. Soon they came across a party that had run out of wine and Moses said, "Hey, Jesus, you can help them! Go one, turn some water into wine!"

Jesus said, "I don't know if I should - I'm really trying to keep a low profile these days."

Moses said, "Oh, come on! It'll be fine!" And Jesus sighed and turned the water into wine, and he and Moses walked on.

They finally came to the beach and as they looked at the ocean, Moses said, "Hey... walk on water for me, would you?"

Jesus threw his hands into the air and said, "FINE. I'll walk on water for you, but you have to promise to stop nagging me!" He stomped into the surf, walked about ten paces into the ocean... and sank like a stone.

Moses swam out and pulled Jesus to shore. As he pounded Jesus on the back, he said, "What happened? You never used to have any problems walking on water."

Jesus looked at him and said, "I never used to have holes in my feet, either."

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That? Is brilliant.

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"A guy walks into a pub with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the pub that this is a very talented octopus. It can play any musical instrument in the world, says he. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager 50 quid to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cannot play. So this guy walks up with an electric guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. The man is duly impressed and pays his 50 quid. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man duly pays his 50 quid. Then a Scotsman walks up with a set of bagpipes. He sets them down and the octopus fumbles around with them for a few minutes, then sets them back down with a confused look. 'Hah!' the Scot says. 'Canna you play it?' The octopus looks up at him and says, 'Play it? Are you kidding?! I'm going to screw it just as soon as I can figure out how to get its pajamas off!'"

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::blink::

I just heard someone tell this joke this past weekend. You weren't in Maryland, by any chance, were you?

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Nope. Was sitting through Hurricane Jeanne here in Florida. Moved from Salisbury, Maryland, last May though. Maybe my doppelganger was out telling the Octopus Joke to keep from having to nail up more plywood....

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Hee -- could be. Hope you all came through okay!

I was in bagpipe-land, myself. :-)

Why do bagpipers keep moving around on stage? (http://vickita.org/else/gallery/art/ej_anim.gif) Because they're trying to get away from the noise.

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Okay, this past weekend was Pirate Weekend at MDRF, and The Piper "told" a pirate joke. This he did by telling the joke to the Royal Canadian Boy Toy, who then translated the joke from "Piperspeak" to "audiencespeak". Those silly boys. (http://vickita.org/else/gallery/scar2004/8/images/img094.jpg)

Joke:
Q: What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party?
A: "Aaaaaaye-m-atey."

(Yeah, okay, groooooaannn. But he's cute, and good with his hands. *ggg*)

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You know about the new pirate movie, right?

It's rated arrrrr.

You know why?

'cuz of all the *booty*.

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Hee! Have you seen this?

Ergonomic keyboard for pirates (http://carcino.gen.nz/images/image.php/0e296006/corsair.jpg)

From:

valarltd.livejournal.com

And you heard that Discovery had to cancel the Colonization of Britain miniseries?
Too much Saxon violence.

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One day Jesus and Moses are out playing golf. Jesus sets up for a shot and Moses tells him, "You'll never make that!"

Jesus replies, "Hey, if Tiger Woods can do it, *I* can do it." He swings and up the ball goes, and *plop*, right into the water.

"Hey, Moses would you mind parting the waters so I can get my ball?"

Moses sighs and grumbles but parts the water.

Jesus then sets up his ball for the very. same. shot.

Moses says, "Jesus, you won't make that. You'll just hit it in the water again!"

"Hey, if Tiger Woods can do it, *I* can do it." He swings and up the ball goes, and again *plop*, right into the water.

"Hey Moses, would you mind?"

Grumble, mumble, water-parting.

Jesus sets up again and *again* he's trying the same shot. At Moses' incredulous look, he says "Hey, if Tiger Woods can do it, *I* can do it." And *again*, *plop* right in the water.

This time Moses refuses to part the water so Jesus walks over the water to get his ball.

In the meantime, another foursome has come up behind the pair. They see Jesus walking on the water and one of them exclaims, "Who does he think he is, Jesus!?"

Moses turns to them and says disgustedly, "No, Tiger Woods."

From:

valarltd.livejournal.com

The local priest, pastor and rabbi were all fishing buddies. One Thursday, they went out and suddenly the priest has to go. So, he walks across the water, goes behind some bushes and walks back across the water. A bit later, the pastor does the same. Now the rabbi is beginning to be in dire straits, and decides if these two goyim can do it, he can do it. He steps out of the boat and sinks. The minister looks at the priest and says "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

Mama Skunk had 2 kits: In and Out. One evening, only Out came home for supper. The neighborhood was roused, and in the commotion Out slipped off. Just as the search parties were about to set forth, Out came trotting back with In at his heels.
"How'd you find him?" everyone clamored.
"Instinct."

From: (Anonymous)

A guy sits alone at a bar, drinking his beer. From out of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You look great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the only other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way at the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer.

"That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again.

The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes."

The guy freaks out, and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!"

As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!"

"Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender.

"Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

=======

A duck walks into a bar. Jumps up onto the barstool. Says to the bartender, "You got any bread?"

Bartender says, "Look, we don't have bread and we don't serve ducks. Now get out!"

Next day, the duck walks into the bar, jumps up onto the stool. Says to the bartender, "You got any bread?"

Bartender says "I told you, we don't serve ducks and we don't have bread!"

Next day, same thing. Duck jumps on the barstool, says to the bartender, "You got any bread?"

Bartender says "Look here, Duck. If you come back here asking for bread one more time, I'm gonna nail your goddamn bill to the counter."

The next day, the duck walks into the bar and jumps up on the barstool. He says to the bartender, "Got any nails?"

Bartender says, "No."

Duck says, "You got any bread?"

=======

A guy goes into a bar, and orders four shots of Pernod and blackcurrant. He downs all four shots back-to-back.

The bartender asks "What's the occasion?".

The guy replies, "I'm celebrating my first blow-job."

"Excellent," says the bartender. "In that case, have another four on me."

The guy replies, "No, it's okay, I think I've gotten rid of the taste now."

=======

So two atoms walk out of a bar.
One of the atoms says, "I gotta go back in. I left an electron in there."
The other atom says, "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

=======

Aaaaaaa hahahahahahahaha.
Heh.

--Dorinda

From: (Anonymous)

Okay, wait, a few more. One with a bar *and* a pirate!

A grasshopper walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey, you know, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Ernie?"

=======

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer it makes you all warm inside, and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

=======

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, what's with the steering wheel?", and the pirate goes, "Arrrrrr, it's drivin me nuts."

=======

Arrrrrrrrrrrr,

Dorrrrrrrinda

From:

thefannishwaldo.livejournal.com

Me; Two kids are in a boat. Pete and RePete. Pete falls out, who's left?
You: RePete
Me: Two kids are in a boat....

I think my mom told me that when I was like four.

Waldo.

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Okay, you may have to be a Texan to get this one, but...

A west Texas rancher is out working his cattle one day when he hears music. He's out in the middle of nowhere, and the radio in his truck is busted, so he starts following the sound to find out where it's coming from. Finally, he winds up behind a calf, and the music is coming from the calf's hindquarters. Stunned, the rancher picks up the calf, puts him in the back of his pickup, and takes off up the road to Fort Stockton to take him to the vet. When he gets there, he tells the vet what's going on. The vet walks around behind the calf, lifts up his tail, and sure enough, he hears, "The eyes of Texas are upoooooon you, aaaaaall the live long daaaaay..."

The vet looks at the rancher and says, "Yeah, so?"

The rancher can't believe it! "Man, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

The vet says, "Son, I'm a third generation Aggie. I've been listening to Longhorn assholes sing 'The Eyes of Texas' all my life."

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Like, there's a twenty-minute passage in 'Beethoven's Ninth,' during which the bass violinists literally have nothing to do but sit around looking bored. So, one evening, some bass violinists decided to sneak out of the concert hall and go to the bar next door for a quick one.

After slamming back several beers, one of them checked his watch and said, "Hey! It's been nearly twenty minutes! We need to get back!"

"Nah, don't worry," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I bound the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It should take him at least a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few minutes later, they all staggered back to the concert hall. About this time, a member of the audience noticed that the conductor seemed a bit on edge. "Well, of course he would be," her companion replied. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the 'Ninth,' the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

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Oh my god, that is one of my favorite jokes ever and I'd totally forgotten it! THANK YOU!!!

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